The Young Person Isn't The Only One Responsible For Building The Relationship
- Jul 1
- 3 min read
Discover why trust takes time, why young people don't always open up immediately and how stronger relationships create better outcomes.
I've lost count of the number of times I've heard someone say:
"He just won't open up."
Whilst that may be true, I often find myself asking a different question.
Why would they?
As professionals, parents and coaches, we can sometimes expect trust to happen much sooner than is realistic. We ask questions, create opportunities to talk and hope that a young person will tell us what is going on.
When that doesn't happen, it can be tempting to assume they don't want help.
In my experience, the reality is usually much more complex.
Opening Up Has To Feel Safe
One thing I've learned is that young people don't just need to feel safe enough to talk.
They also need to understand why talking might help them.
If a young person is unsure what opening up will achieve, they may quite reasonably ask themselves:
"What's the point?"
Will someone listen?
Will anything actually change?
Will I get into trouble?
Will people judge me?
Will I lose control of what happens next?
These questions are often sitting quietly in the background long before a young person decides whether to trust us.
Trust Cannot Be Rushed
One of the biggest mistakes I see is people rushing the relationship.
They don't mean to. And it's usually because they care.
We want to help. We want to understand. We want to solve the problem.
But in trying to get to the answer quickly, we sometimes bulldoze into conversations before trust has had chance to develop.
Young people rarely work to our timescales. Relationships develop at their pace, not ours.
Building Relationships Looks Different For Everyone
There is no single formula for building trust. Sometimes the best conversations happen during a walk.
Sometimes they happen whilst driving because neither person has to maintain eye contact. Sometimes humour breaks down barriers.
Sometimes talking about football, music, gaming or something completely unrelated creates the connection that eventually leads to much deeper conversations.
Over the years, I have learned that relationship building requires flexibility.
Rather than expecting every young person to adapt to us, we should be prepared to adapt our approach to them.
Sometimes The Right Response Is Simply To Listen
Another mistake I see is the pressure adults place on themselves to immediately solve the problem.
In reality, solutions are not always what a young person needs first. Often they need somebody who will simply listen.
Somebody who is prepared to understand before offering advice. Somebody who is willing to sit with uncertainty rather than rushing to fix it.
Listening does not mean doing nothing. It means taking the time to fully understand before deciding what happens next.
Trust Is Built Through Consistency
Trust is not built because of a job title. It is not built because somebody tells us to trust them. Trust is built through consistency.
By showing up. By being honest. By keeping appropriate boundaries. By being transparent, particularly when difficult decisions have to be made.
One thing young people have taught me is that trust can be broken very quickly if they feel they have not been treated honestly or respectfully.
Transparency matters.
Relationships Create Opportunities For Change
When trust begins to develop, everything else becomes easier.
Communication becomes more open. Support becomes more effective. Problems become easier to understand. Meaningful change becomes possible.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned throughout my career is this:
The young person is not the only one responsible for building the relationship.
That responsibility belongs to us as well.
When we slow down, remain patient and invest time in building genuine relationships, we create an environment where young people are far more likely to feel safe enough to engage.
And that is often where lasting change begins.
If you are supporting a young person who is reluctant to engage, I offer coaching, mentoring and parent consultations designed to build trust, strengthen relationships and help young people move forward with confidence.
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