What Young People Learn When Adults Don't Give Up On Them
- 1 day ago
- 4 min read
Discover how consistency, trust and calm responses help young people learn, grow and build stronger relationships.
Over the years, I have worked with young people who have shouted, sworn, walked away, slammed doors, become verbally aggressive and, on occasion, completely lost control of their emotions.
When this happens, many adults understandably focus on the behaviour they can see.
However, one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that these moments often contain an opportunity to build trust, strengthen relationships and help a young person develop emotionally.
The question is not always, "How do I stop this behaviour?"
Sometimes the better question is, "What can this young person learn from how I respond?"
What Is Really Happening?
When a young person becomes emotionally dysregulated, there is usually much more happening beneath the surface.
In my experience, they are often feeling overwhelmed by emotions they do not fully understand or know how to communicate.
They may feel frustrated.
Misunderstood.
Powerless.
Unable to articulate what is really bothering them.
The behaviour may be loud and visible, but what sits underneath is often vulnerability.
One thing I have learned is that young people rarely choose these moments because they enjoy them. More often, they are struggling to manage emotions that feel bigger than they can cope with at that time.
Why Adult Responses Matter
When emotions are running high, adults can unintentionally make the situation worse.
Not because they do not care. Not because they have bad intentions.
But because they react emotionally themselves.
Young people may perceive raised voices, rushed responses, confrontation or pressure as threatening, intimidating or unhelpful, even when that was never the adult's intention.
This is why I place so much importance on remaining calm.
Calmness Creates Safety
One thing I have observed repeatedly is that calmness can be incredibly powerful.
When a young person is feeling overwhelmed, calmness provides reassurance. It communicates safety. It becomes a light in what may feel like a very dark tunnel.
Sometimes that calmness comes through lowering your voice. Sometimes it means taking a seat rather than standing over someone. Sometimes it means listening more than talking.
And sometimes it means saying very little at all.
The goal is not to match their emotions. The goal is to provide a safe and steady presence while they work through them.
Sometimes The Best Response Is No Immediate Response
This is one of the biggest mistakes I see adults make.
We often feel pressure to respond immediately.
To challenge... correct... fix... solve...
However, I have learned that not every conversation needs to happen in the heat of the moment.
When emotions are high, understanding is often low.
In many situations, the most effective response is to pause, allow emotions to settle and revisit the conversation later.
Reflection is far more powerful when both people have had time to think clearly.
Sometimes doing nothing immediately is not avoidance.
It is good judgement.
Moving Forward Matters
One phrase I often use is:
"Let's find a way to move forward."
That does not mean ignoring what happened. The behaviour still needs to be addressed.
Boundaries still matter. Accountability still matters.
However, the goal should always be progress.
Sometimes moving forward means finding a solution. Sometimes it means helping a young person regulate their emotions. Sometimes it means having a conversation later when they are calmer.
The important thing is that the relationship survives the difficult moment.
What Young People Learn
When adults do not give up on them, young people learn something incredibly important.
They learn that relationships can survive mistakes.
They learn that they are safe enough to be honest.
They learn that they can reflect, grow and improve without fear of being rejected.
They learn that support remains available, even when they are struggling.
In my experience, this creates opportunities for learning, development and meaningful change that would never exist if the relationship broke down at the first sign of difficulty.
Consistency
One of the most valuable things we can offer a young person is consistency.
Not perfection. Not endless chances without accountability.
Consistency.
Young people need adults who can provide boundaries whilst remaining supportive, challenge whilst maintaining relationships and hold expectations whilst creating safety.
Because when young people know that adults are not going to give up on them, trust begins to grow.
And when trust grows, change often follows.
If you are supporting a young person who is struggling with behaviour, emotional regulation or engagement, my coaching, mentoring and parent support services can help you better understand what may be happening beneath the surface and develop practical strategies that create lasting positive change.
Not Sure Where To Start?
Take the quick Find Your Support quiz to see which coaching, training or support option could help you move forward with more clarity, confidence and direction.
