Separate The Person From The Behaviour
- 4 hours ago
- 4 min read
Learn why understanding the reason behind behaviour can improve relationships, build trust and create lasting positive change.
Person Versus Behaviour
One phrase I have used throughout my career is:
"Separate the person from the behaviour."
It is a simple phrase, but it has shaped the way I work with young people, parents and professionals for many years.
When we are faced with behaviour that we find challenging, frustrating or even upsetting, it can be easy to focus entirely on what we see in front of us. The shouting, refusal, aggression, disruption or conflict becomes the centre of our attention.
However, one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that behaviour is often only part of the story.
Behaviour Tells Us Something
Over the years, I have worked with young people who were described as:
Naughty
Lazy
Aggressive
Attention-seeking
Yet when we looked beyond the label, a different picture often emerged.
The child labelled as naughty was experiencing significant anxiety.
The young person labelled as lazy felt hopeless about their future and could not see the relevance of what they were being asked to do.
The young person described as aggressive was often frightened, triggered, overwhelmed or emotionally dysregulated.
The child labelled as attention-seeking was often looking for connection, belonging or understanding.
The behaviour was visible. The reason behind it was not.
Aggression Is Often Misunderstood
If I had to choose one behaviour that adults misunderstand most, it would probably be aggression.
Aggression can feel intimidating, personal and confrontational. As a result, adults often focus on controlling the behaviour rather than understanding what may be driving it.
In my experience, aggression is frequently linked to fear, frustration, feeling emotionally overwhelmed or a young person feeling unable to cope with what is happening around them.
That does not excuse the behaviour.
However, understanding the reason behind it allows us to choose a more effective response.
Understanding Is Not The Same As Accepting
One misconception I occasionally encounter is the belief that understanding behaviour means accepting it.
It doesn't.
I am a strong believer in accountability, boundaries and reflection.
However, understanding behaviour helps us identify the right approach when responding. It allows us to choose interventions that address the root cause rather than simply reacting to the symptom.
If we only focus on the behaviour itself, we risk missing the opportunity to create meaningful change.
What Happens When We Focus Only On The Behaviour?
When adults focus solely on behaviour, relationships often suffer.
Trust breaks down, conflict increases and the young person starts to view the adult as another problem in their life rather than part of the solution.
In some cases, this can even damage trust in future professionals and support services.
One thing I have learned is that behaviour change rarely happens through punishment alone. Reflection, communication and opportunities to move forward are equally important.
If a consequence leaves a young person stuck, without understanding or a pathway forward, we should question how effective it really is.
Focus On The Young Person, Not The Behaviour
For me, separating the person from the behaviour means recognising that a young person's actions are not the same as who they are.
When presented with behaviour that is challenging or distressing, I consciously separate the response from the individual behind it. And don't get me wrong, this can feel quite hard to do at times.
My focus remains on the young person.
Their experiences.
Their needs.
Their emotions.
Their potential.
The behaviour still needs to be addressed, but I refuse to allow the behaviour to become their identity.
Change Takes Time
Another lesson I have learned is that behaviour is changeable, but meaningful change rarely happens overnight.
Adults sometimes expect immediate transformation following a conversation, intervention or consequence. Realistically, lasting change takes time.
Habits, beliefs, coping mechanisms and patterns of behaviour develop over weeks, months and sometimes years. It is unrealistic to expect them to disappear instantly.
Progress comes through consistency, relationship building, positive role modelling and repeated opportunities to make better choices.
That is why I always encourage parents and professionals to focus on progress rather than perfection.
A Final Thought For You
One of the biggest mistakes we can make is allowing behaviour to define a young person. When we separate the person from the behaviour, we create space for understanding, accountability, growth and change.
The behaviour may need to change, but that does not mean the young person is the problem. Often, the behaviour is simply telling us something we have not fully understood yet.
If you are supporting a young person displaying challenging behaviour, my coaching and mentoring for young people, and parent support services can help you better understand what may be happening beneath the surface and develop practical strategies that create lasting positive change.
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