What Everybody Focused On Wasn't The Real Issue
- Jul 23
- 3 min read
Discover why behaviour is often a symptom rather than the real issue and how curiosity can uncover the support young people truly need.
I've lost count of the number of times I've walked into a situation where everyone was focused on the same thing.
The behaviour.
The broken rule.
The sanction.
The attendance.
The argument.
The disruption.
Everyone was trying to solve what they could see.
Very few people were asking why it was happening.
Over the years, I've learned that what everybody is focused on often isn't the real issue at all.
Behaviour Is A Form Of Communication
One of the biggest lessons my career has taught me is this:
Behaviour is rarely the problem.
More often than not, it is the symptom.
I've worked with young people whose behaviour appeared aggressive, rude, oppositional or disengaged. When we slowed down, built a relationship and became genuinely curious, a very different picture emerged.
Anxiety.
Bullying.
Low mood.
Confusion.
Identity.
Difficulties at home.
Attachment.
Mental health.
Fear.
Sometimes the behaviour wasn't the issue. It was the young person's way of coping with an issue they didn't know how to communicate.
Systems Can Sometimes Blind Us
Schools and organisations need systems.
Policies matter. Procedures matter.
Consistency matters.
But one risk of working within any system is that we can become so focused on following the process that we stop asking questions.
The conversation becomes about sanctions instead of support. Or about compliance instead of curiosity. Or even about consequences instead of communication.
Sometimes we become so determined to deal with the presenting behaviour that we unintentionally overlook the reason it exists.
Solving The Wrong Problem Creates A Bigger One
When we focus on the symptom rather than the cause, we often create another problem.
The behaviour may continue. The young person may become increasingly misunderstood. The real issue remains hidden.
Confidence reduces. Trust weakens. The situation becomes more deeply embedded.
Eventually, what started as one difficulty becomes several.
Not because people didn't care but because they were trying to solve the wrong problem.
Nobody Wakes Up Wanting To Have A Bad Day
One thing I've learned over many years is that young people rarely wake up in the morning and decide they want to have a terrible day.
Nobody wakes up planning to shout at teachers.
Or to be excluded.
Or to damage relationships.
Or to fail.
Or to disappoint people they care about.
Behaviour usually follows a chain of events.
Triggers. Thoughts. Emotions. Experiences.
And often, an absence of effective coping strategies.
If we only look at the final behaviour, we miss everything that led to it.
Curiosity Changes Everything
If I had to choose one quality that every professional should develop, it would be curiosity.
Not curiosity for the sake of asking questions.
Curiosity that genuinely seeks to understand. Curiosity that creates space for a young person to feel heard. Curiosity that explores rather than assumes.
Because sometimes one thoughtful question can identify the right support at exactly the right time.
Sometimes it can prevent further harm.
Sometimes it changes the entire direction of a young person's life.
Looking Beyond Behaviour Does Not Mean Lowering Expectations...
It doesn't remove accountability and it doesn't excuse poor choices.
What it does is ensure that our response matches the real need rather than simply reacting to what is immediately visible.
One of the biggest mistakes we can make is assuming the presenting problem is the real problem.
In my experience, it often isn't.
When we slow down, remain curious and take the time to understand what is happening beneath the surface, we don't just become better professionals.
We become far more effective at helping young people move forward.
If you're a parent, school or organisation looking to better understand behaviour, strengthen relationships and develop practical, child-centred approaches that create lasting change, I offer a range of coaching and online support sessions:
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