When A Young Person Says “No”
When a young person says no, repeating yourself is not the answer. Explore what may be behind the refusal and how to identify the barriers getting in the way.
A young person says "no".
My first reaction is usually to take a breath and think, “Right. Okay. This is the hurdle.”
Not because I am thinking about how I am going to convince them to do what I want. I am thinking about what is actually happening here.
What is the problem? What is underneath the reaction I am getting? Where is the no coming from?
That can be difficult to work out, particularly when you are working with a young person you do not know particularly well. You are trying to find the line between saying something that helps them explore what is happening and saying something that makes them shut down completely.
I have found that when a young person says no, repeating the same suggestion in five different ways never really tends to get you anywhere.
Instead, I try to focus on the barrier rather than the solution.
What does the “no” actually mean?
A no can mean lots of different things.
Sometimes it is a default response. The young person has learned that saying no stops the conversation, or at least stops what they think might become a confrontation.
Sometimes they genuinely do not know what they are saying yet. They have reacted before they have really had time to think about the suggestion.
Sometimes there is fear involved. Perhaps they do not have enough information to feel comfortable saying yes. Perhaps they are worried about what might happen if they try something different. Perhaps the proposed solution feels much bigger or more overwhelming than it sounds to the adult suggesting it.
Sometimes, of course, the young person simply does not agree.
The difficulty is that you cannot always tell which one you are dealing with just by hearing the word “no”.
So I will often ask them to talk me through their thought process. I also try to remove some of the pressure from the conversation. I might say that I am not there to push them or persuade them to change their mind. What I am trying to do is understand.
If a young person thinks, “He's trying to make me agree to something I don't want to agree to”, they are likely to spend the rest of the conversation defending their position. If they understand that you are trying to work out why the option does not feel right, there is more room for an honest conversation.
Don't say the same thing differently
This is probably the biggest thing I learned very early on in my career. If a young person says no, don't just say the same thing differently.
“You could try this.”
“No.”
“What about trying this instead?”
“No.”
“Okay, but have you thought about this?”
“No.”
You can keep doing that for ten minutes and convince yourself that you are being persistent when, from the young person's point of view, you are simply wearing them down
There is a difference between persistence and pressure. For me, wearing someone down would be repeatedly going around the same point until they eventually give you the answer you wanted.
Exploring is different. You are trying to work out what is stopping them from taking the next step.
What is the immediate barrier? What is making this particular option feel impossible? What could make it feel more manageable?
Once you understand that, you can work on the barrier rather than continuing to argue for the original solution.
Focus on the barrier rather than the solution
I see this often when a young person has had a relationship breakdown with a teacher.
They may feel that the teacher has treated them unfairly. They may have completely lost trust in that person. They may feel angry about something that has happened.
Then you suggest trying to repair the relationship.
“No.”
You suggest going back into the lesson.
“No.”
You suggest speaking to the teacher.
“No.”
It would be very easy to keep looking for another solution. Instead, I want to understand what is making all of those options feel like a no.
What do they think is going to happen? What do they think the teacher will say? What does the young person want the teacher to understand? What do they think the teacher does not know about them?
Sometimes the solution we initially thought was the right one is simply too big. Perhaps going straight back into the lesson feels impossible, as does sitting down with the teacher in a meeting, which may feel overwhelming.
So we might take a step back...
Could the young person explain what they want the teacher to hear? Could we practise that conversation? Could we role play it? Could we look at the situation from the teacher's perspective?
Could we think about what the young person can control, rather than everything they believe the teacher has done wrong?
The destination might still be the same, but the first step towards it has changed.
Sometimes you need to make the first step much smaller
I often use role play with young people because it gives them an opportunity to try something without actually having to do it yet.
They can hear themselves say the words and they can experience what it might feel like.
We can stop at any point. We can change something and can try it again. We can look at how the other person might respond.
That can help challenge a fixed idea about what is or is not going to happen. Sometimes a young person is completely convinced that something will go badly because they have already played the entire scenario out in their head.
Practising it can give them another version of the story.
I also think we sometimes expect young people to agree too quickly. They do not have to agree with you immediately.
Sometimes a really good starting point is simply getting them to agree to think about something. That is still movement. They might reject every option you discuss during the conversation and then think about one of them later.
They might decide that one option feels possible and another does not. They might come back the following week and say, “Actually, I've been thinking about what you said.”
That is why I do not necessarily see a conversation as unsuccessful just because the young person did not agree with me at the end of it.
Taking control of a difficult relationship
When a young person has taken a strong dislike to someone, particularly a teacher, they can reach a point where they no longer want to do anything to improve the situation.
They feel there has been an injustice and that the other person was wrong. They may feel that it is now the other person's responsibility to fix it.
I understand why they feel that way but I also want to help them think about what they can control.
One phrase I sometimes use with young people is “playing the game”.
What I mean by that is putting a little extra effort into how you approach the interaction.
It might be as simple as:
“Good morning, Miss.”
“Afternoon, Sir.”
“How's your day?”
It might feel like a very small thing, but the young person is making a deliberate decision about how they want the interaction to go.
They are taking some control back.
They are not saying that everything the teacher did was right. They're not pretending that they suddenly like the teacher. They are deciding that they are going to influence the part of the relationship that they actually can influence.
Sometimes it is about drawing a new line.
“Right. This is where we're going to start from now.”
We do not always have to completely fix what happened before. Sometimes we need to decide what we are going to do differently from this point onwards.
You can challenge a young person without backing them into a corner
I am not afraid to challenge young people.
I think sometimes adults can become so worried about putting pressure on a young person that they stop challenging them altogether.
That is not particularly helpful either. The relationship matters. If I have built enough trust with a young person, I can say:
“I'm not telling you what to do, but if this were me…”
And then I might explain what I would lean towards.
Or I might say:
“Have you thought about it this way?”
I am giving them another perspective. I am not pretending I do not have an opinion. The difference is that I am not trying to back them into a corner. The language I use can help with that.
I use “we” a lot.
“Let's think about this.”
“Have we thought about this?”
“How about we try it this way?”
“Let's work out what might make this easier.”
It becomes something we are exploring together rather than something the young person has to defend themselves against.
Sometimes the professional gets it wrong
I have got this wrong myself before.
There have been times when I have pushed harder than I should have because I did not recognise what was happening underneath the young person's presentation.
A young person can appear completely casual while actually struggling. Some young people become very good at hiding how they feel. Sometimes they have become so used to doing it that the adult in front of them does not realise how close they are to their limit.
That can be particularly difficult when you are still getting to know someone. You are learning their triggers, learning their boundaries and are learning what their different behaviours actually mean.
Sometimes... you get it wrong.
That is why I do not think supporting a young person is about finding the perfect response every time. Sometimes you need to recognise that you have pushed too far.
Sometimes the right thing to say is: “Let's revisit this another time.”
There may be a decision that genuinely needs to be made quickly, so removing every time pressure is not always possible. But even then, I try to make the process collaborative rather than placing the responsibility for the decision entirely on the young person.
The aim is to help them feel that we are working through it together.
What happens when they still say no?
They might still say no.
They might reject every strategy you offer and shoot down every possible solution. That does not necessarily mean the conversation has achieved nothing.
From my experience, you can still be showing a young person that there are more options than they initially thought there were. You are giving them things to consider.
You are helping them see that a problem might have more than one possible route through it.
They might even begin to prioritise those options for themselves.
“This one is never going to happen.”
“That one might work.”
“I couldn't do that yet, but I might be able to do this.”
That is a very different position from simply saying no to everything. The young person is beginning to think about possibilities rather than seeing the situation as completely closed.
When a young person says no, start with the barrier
For me, this comes back to something quite simple...
When a young person says no, I do not immediately want to find another solution.
I want to understand the no.
What is driving it?
What are they worried about?
What information are they missing?
What feels too big?
What do they believe will happen?
What is the first barrier we can work on together?
Sometimes that will lead us towards a solution. Sometimes it will lead us towards a much smaller first step. Sometimes it will lead us to pause and come back to the conversation another day.
Sometimes the young person will still say no. I am comfortable with that.
My job is not to keep repeating myself until they give me the answer I wanted. My job is to help them explore what is getting in the way, understand their options and where possible, help them find a way forward that feels achievable.
Sometimes that starts with something as simple as: “Okay. Tell me why.”
Need Support With a Young Person?
If you are a parent or carer supporting a young person who seems stuck, resistant or unwilling to consider another way forward, you do not always have to work it out on your own. Sometimes having someone outside the situation can help you understand what may be sitting underneath the behaviour and find a more constructive way forward.
I offer Take Back Control (Challenging Teenagers) and Responding To Mental Health In Teenagers, two online group coaching sessions that run throughout the year, supporting parents and carers who want practical guidance around challenging situations.
Professionals supporting young people can encounter difficult conversations, challenging behaviour and situations where the obvious solution simply does not work.
Through Strategic Mentoring Training, I support professionals to develop practical approaches to working with young people, including communication, perspective taking, boundaries, relationships and helping young people move towards more positive choices.
Sometimes a young person needs their own space to talk, think and work through what is happening without feeling that they are being told what to do. My one to one coaching for young people provides a supportive space to explore confidence, resilience, mindset, behaviour, relationships and difficult situations, while developing practical strategies they can use in everyday life.
Not Sure Where To Start?
Take the quick Find Your Support quiz to see which coaching, training or support option could help you move forward with more clarity, confidence and direction.
