De-escalation In Schools & Relationships
How can schools prevent behaviour from escalating? Explore de-escalation, relationships, communication, dynamic risk assessment and restraint as a last resort.
The Best Restraint Is No Restraint
A few days ago, I was taking part in CPI training at school.
CPI training covers physical intervention and restraint techniques, strategies that may be needed when other approaches have failed and there is a genuine need to protect someone from harm.
It got me thinking that in all the years I’ve worked in schools, I’ve probably had to use restraint around three times. Each time, it has been about safeguarding a young person from harm.
That isn't something I say because I think restraint is inherently wrong. There are situations where physical intervention may be necessary. If the risk of immediate harm becomes significant, our responsibility as adults is to act proportionately and reasonably to keep a young person safe.
But it did make me reflect on something else.
Perhaps one of the most valuable skills in behaviour support isn't knowing how to restrain a young person. It's knowing how to help prevent the situation from reaching that point.
What Is The Behaviour Communicating?
When a young person is becoming increasingly distressed, angry or reactive, I don't want my first thought to be: What rule have they broken?
Nor do I want it to be: What consequence are they going to receive?
I want to know: What is this behaviour communicating?
What is driving the emotion?
What has made them so reactive?
What might have happened before this moment?
What do they need right now?
Sometimes the answer isn't obvious. That's where you look for clues.
You observe what's happening, consider what you know about the young person and try to understand what might be underneath what you're seeing.
Behaviour doesn't just happen. There is usually something behind it.
Sometimes, if we focus entirely on the behaviour we're seeing, we completely miss the person experiencing it.
Don't Add Fuel To The Fire
One of the things I think we can get wrong when supporting an escalating young person is becoming too focused on the rule that has been broken or the expectation that hasn't been met.
And I have seen it so many times over my 17+ years in educational settings.
The rule can be addressed and the consequence can be discussed. If needed, the restorative conversation can happen.
But the rule has already been broken.
Repeating that ten times while someone is already highly emotional isn't going to undo what has happened.
It almost always adds fuel to the fire.
If a young person is already angry, frustrated or overwhelmed, giving them another series of instructions, warnings and consequences can simply become another list of things they've got wrong.
What they're hearing is yet another failure. Another reason to feel they're in trouble. Another reason to become more heightened.
I am not saying boundaries don't matter. Obviously, they do.
But timing matters. There is a time to address the behaviour and a time to help the young person get back to a place where they are actually capable of engaging with that conversation.
Sometimes They Just Need A Way Out
When I see a situation beginning to escalate, I will often offer what I think of as a lifeline.
It might be:
“Come with me.”
“Let's go for a walk.”
“Come to my office.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Sometimes it might simply be reassuring language or giving them somewhere else to direct the emotion.
I'm not trying to distract them with something superficial. I'm trying to give them another route.
When a young person is highly dysregulated, they may not be able to see the options available to them. The path they're currently on might be heading towards more conflict, more consequences and potentially more risk.
Then someone comes along and says: “There's another way. Come with me.”
That can be incredibly powerful.
Give Them A Dignified Exit
There's another reason I think these lifelines can work. Sometimes there is an audience.
Other young people may be watching. They may be commenting, encouraging the situation or simply waiting to see what happens next.
At that point, an adult giving a young person a series of public instructions can unintentionally create another battle.
The young person may feel that backing down means losing face.
So I think about how I can give them an opportunity to move away from the situation without making them feel weak.
“Come with me.”
It's still directive but it creates an escape route. It gives them something they can do next. Talking from experience, quite often that is all they need.
Calm Doesn't Mean Permissive
I think this is important because relationship-based approaches to behaviour can sometimes be misunderstood.
Being calm doesn't mean allowing and overlooking everything. Being nurturing doesn't mean removing boundaries. Being understanding doesn't mean ignoring unsafe behaviour.
Communication doesn't mean standing there having an endless conversation while risk increases.
I can be clear and directive, and I can tell a young person what I need them to do. But I can do it in a way that communicates: “I'm here with you. I'm trying to help you through this.”
That's very different from: “Stop this. It's unacceptable. If you don't, this is what's going to happen.”
The words we choose matter just as much as the words we choose not to use.
Relationships Are A Safeguarding Tool
For me, being able to de-escalate situations effectively is strongly connected to relationships.
If a young person knows you as someone who is approachable, calm and genuinely trying to help, that relationship can become incredibly important when things start to go wrong.
They may not be able to articulate: “I trust this adult and therefore feel psychologically safer approaching them when I'm dysregulated.”
But they can experience it.
They know who they can go to. They know who might listen and they know who might say: “Come with me.”
...rather than immediately making the situation bigger.
Sometimes they might shout at you!
Honestly? I'd rather a young person shouted at me about what was happening and got some of that frustration out safely, so that we could then begin dealing with it together, than for that emotion to continue escalating until they put themselves or somebody else at risk.
The emotion needs somewhere safe to go.
That doesn't mean every behaviour is acceptable. It means we need to distinguish between allowing emotion and allowing harm.
Dynamic Risk Assessment Happens At Pace
There is another part of this that is easy to overlook.
When a situation is escalating, you're not simply deciding whether a behaviour is acceptable. You're dynamically assessing risk.
And you're doing it quickly! You're monitoring two things at the same time.
First: What is happening to the situation?
Is it escalating? Is it remaining at the same level? Is it beginning to reduce?
Secondly:
What is happening to the risk?
How likely is it that the young person, another person or the adults supporting them could be harmed? Is that likelihood increasing, remaining the same or decreasing?
You're making those judgements while the situation is unfolding around you, often with incomplete information and uncertainty about what is going to happen next.
That's why effective behaviour support isn't simply about having a list of strategies.
It's about being able to read the situation and adapt your response.
Our Responsibility Doesn't Change But Our Strategy Does
When a young person reaches a point where they can no longer regulate themselves safely or assess the risks around them, our responsibility doesn't suddenly change.
We're still responsible for their safeguarding and wellbeing. What changes is the strategy we may need to use.
Sometimes that means continuing with communication. Sometimes it means offering another lifeline.
It could mean moving people away from the situation and it could mean calling for additional support.
Sometimes, if the risk of immediate harm becomes sufficiently serious, physical intervention may become necessary. The important thing is recognising that point.
Escalating the response doesn't have to mean escalating the emotion.
An adult can remain calm while recognising that the situation now requires something different.
When Restraint Becomes Necessary
I've used restraint before.
I don't pretend that good communication or strong relationships will prevent every situation from reaching that point.
On one occasion, the situation had widened considerably. Emergency services were being called. The young person I was supporting had become so dysregulated that they were no longer able to manage their emotions safely or properly assess the risks around them.
There was traffic passing nearby. They weren't maintaining boundaries that would have kept them safe.
The risk of serious harm had become immediate.
At that point, restraint wasn't about punishment. It was absolutely nothing to do with some idea of "winning".
It wasn't about showing who was in control of the situation.
It was about protection.
The young person needed someone to take responsibility for keeping them safe because, at that moment, they weren't able to do that for themselves.
That doesn't mean it's easy for a young person to understand while it is happening. But that's partly why what happens afterwards matters so much.
What Happens After Restraint Matters
I believe the relationship doesn't end when the incident ends. There should be an opportunity to debrief.
Talk about what happened... Help the young person understand why decisions were made.
Personally, I will often apologise for having had to put my hands on a young person. I don't see that as weakness but actually I see it as acknowledging their experience.
On the occasions I've had to use restraint, I've never had a young person complain about the decision afterwards. In fact, I've had young people say they understood why I did it.
On one occasion, the young person I had supported actually thanked me some time afterwards for making the decision I had made because they recognised that it had helped keep them safe and prevented the situation from developing into something even more serious.
I always remember that. Ultimately, the intervention was never about controlling them. It was about protecting them.
Physical Contact Can Mean Different Things
There's also a distinction worth recognising around physical contact. Not every instance of appropriate physical contact is restraint.
There can be moments where, within appropriate professional boundaries and the relevant policies and training, a reassuring gesture or supportive physical prompt can help a young person feel safe or guide them away from an escalating situation.
But we need to be careful with this.
Physical contact can be particularly significant for young people who have experienced physical abuse, domestic abuse, violence or bullying. What might appear insignificant to one person could be deeply triggering for another.
That's another reason why knowing the young person matters.
Where physical intervention genuinely becomes necessary, it needs to be considered within the appropriate safeguarding, policy and training framework.
Four Questions I'd Want Every Adult To Consider
If I could put four questions into the head of every member of staff before they step towards an escalating young person, they would be these:
1. What is the risk here?
What could happen next?
Who could be harmed?
Is the risk increasing, remaining the same or reducing?
2. What is my relationship like with this young person?
Do they know me?
Do they trust me?
Am I somebody they might accept help from at this moment?
3. What is driving this behaviour?
What might be underneath what I'm seeing?
What clues do I have?
What has brought them to this point?
4. What is the need right now?
Do they need space?
Someone to listen?
A different environment?
A walk?
A lifeline?
A clear direction?
Additional support?
The answer won't always be obvious but asking the questions changes the way we approach the situation.
The Goal Isn't To Eliminate Restraint
I think it's important to finish here because I don't want this post to be misunderstood. I'm not suggesting restraint should never be used.
There are situations where immediate physical intervention may be necessary to safeguard a young person or others from harm.
I am also not suggesting that relationships alone can solve every behavioural challenge.
They can't.
But I do believe that communication, relationships, emotional understanding, dynamic risk assessment and effective de-escalation are some of the most powerful tools we have before a situation reaches that point.
The goal shouldn't be to become better at restraining young people. The goal should be to become better at understanding them, communicating with them and giving them safe alternatives when they're struggling to find one themselves.
Sometimes the most effective intervention is the one that means you never have to put your hands on them in the first place.
The best restraint is no restraint.
Perhaps the question we should be asking more often isn't:
“How do we stop this behaviour?”
but:
“What is this behaviour trying to tell us and what can we do about it?”
If you would like to strengthen your school's approach to safeguarding, behaviour and de-escalation, I offer Safeguarding In Practice Training, Strategic Safeguarding Leadership Training, Safeguarding Training For Governors, and 1:1 and group safeguarding supervision for professionals.
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