Process It Once & Stop Overthinking
Learn how to stop overthinking situations, process difficult emotions, make clearer decisions and trust yourself instead of repeatedly replaying the past.
Start trusting yourself
How often do you find yourself replaying the same situation in your head?
You think about what happened, what was said, what you should have said... You think about what you might say if it happens again.
Then you find yourself talking about it with somebody else, explaining the whole situation again and going back through the same emotions all over again. Yet, despite all that thinking, you don't feel any clearer.
This is a skill I have managed to master over the last few years in particular and I always link this in with genuinely being a solutions-focused person - both professionally and personally.
I've developed a simple reminder for myself: Don't overthink it. Don't overdo it.
For me, that doesn't mean ignoring something that has upset me or pretending that everything is fine. It means giving myself the time and space to properly process what has happened, decide what I am going to do about it and then, once I've made that decision, trust myself enough to leave it alone.
There is a difference between processing something and overthinking it
I think this is where we can get ourselves into trouble. Thinking about something isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, sometimes we need to think about something properly.
Something can happen that immediately puts us in a bad mood. We might feel angry, frustrated, hurt, worried or disappointed. Sometimes there isn't an opportunity to stop what we're doing and process those feelings there and then.
That's okay.
I've learnt that I don't necessarily need to solve something in the moment. Sometimes I simply need to recognise: “I know I need to process this, but right now isn't the time.”
That might mean carrying on with what I need to do and coming back to it later when I have the mental capacity and space to think clearly.
For me, that has often been when I'm driving. I'm on my own. There are fewer distractions. Nobody is asking me questions and I'm away from whatever situation or person may have contributed to how I'm feeling.
That space can make a real difference. The emotion isn't necessarily as raw as it was earlier. The situation hasn't changed, but my ability to think about it has.
That's when I can start properly processing it rather than simply reacting to it.
So what does processing something actually mean?
For me, it starts with acknowledging how I'm feeling, asking myself: How am I actually feeling about this?
Then I start looking at the situation rather than simply sitting inside the emotion.
What actually happened?
What might the behaviour be communicating?
What is my role in this?
What responsibility do I have?
What responsibility belongs to somebody else?
What is within my control?
What is within my influence?
What is completely outside of my control?
What aligns with my values and beliefs?
What is acceptable to me?
What isn't acceptable?
Where do my boundaries come into this?
And ultimately: What do I want to do about it?
It is almost like a form of personal triage.
I'm taking something that initially feels messy and emotional and working through it piece by piece. Sometimes that process makes the answer obvious and sometimes it doesn't.
There have been times when I've recognised that the emotion is still too powerful for me to come up with a meaningful strategy or solution and that's okay. I don't have to force an answer simply because I think I should have one.
Sometimes the right decision is: “I'm not ready to decide what I'm going to do yet.”
The important thing is recognising the difference between not being ready to process something and continually avoiding a solution by repeatedly thinking about the problem.
Overthinking can feel productive when it isn't
One of the problems with overthinking is that it can feel as though we're doing something useful.
We keep exploring the situation, looking for clues, looking for another explanation, looking for another piece of the puzzle, looking for something we might have missed...
But sometimes there isn't another piece. We've already thought about it. We've already considered the options. We've already decided what we want to do.
Yet we keep going back.
I've caught myself doing this in the past. Eventually I've had to remind myself: “I've processed this.”
There is nothing wrong with thinking about something again if new information appears or circumstances change. However, if nothing has changed, repeatedly going through the same situation isn't necessarily giving me anything new.
It can simply keep me connected to the same emotions and that's where I think overthinking can become unhelpful.
Sometimes we aren't solving the problem anymore
Think about what happens when something goes wrong.
You might talk to somebody about it. You explain what happened. You get some advice. Perhaps you offload a little. Perhaps you've worked out what you're going to do.
Then you speak to somebody else... and you explain the entire situation again. You go through what happened, explain how you felt, talk about what they said, explain what you're going to do... And suddenly you're back inside the situation again.
The second conversation might be useful. Sometimes another perspective is exactly what we need. But sometimes it isn't.
Sometimes we're simply reliving the situation. We're bringing the emotions back to the surface and putting ourselves back into the same mental space we were trying to move beyond.
That's why I think it's worth asking yourself: “What am I hoping to get from talking about this again?”
If the answer is genuinely another perspective, support or useful information, then perhaps it's worth the conversation.
If you've already made your decision and you're simply replaying the situation because you can't quite let it go, it might be time to stop.
Don't overdo the preparation either
This doesn't only apply to things that have already happened. I've also found it useful when thinking about conversations that haven't happened yet.
There can be a temptation to script everything.
“I need to say this.”
“I must say that.”
“I need to make sure I use exactly these words.”
Preparing for an important conversation can obviously be helpful but there is a point where preparation becomes over-preparation.
I've found that when I become too focused on what I have decided I'm going to say, I can end up not actively listening to what the other person is actually saying.
The conversation you have tomorrow isn't necessarily going to be the conversation you've imagined today. New information might come up. The other person's perspective might be different. Your own feelings might have changed.
You might realise that something you thought you needed to say isn't actually relevant anymore.
Sometimes we become so determined to deliver the response we prepared that we forget to respond to the moment that's actually happening.
The new moment is a fresh moment, with fresh information, fresh opinions and fresh emotions.
So rather than scripting every word, sometimes it is enough to know: “I know what I want to achieve here.”
Then trust yourself to listen, think and respond.
Look backwards to learn, not to rewrite
I think there is another reason we can struggle to leave things alone.
Pride.
Fear.
Worry that we've lost face.
Concern that somebody has perceived us as weak or vulnerable.
Sometimes simply a sense of injustice...
“How dare they speak to me like that?”
“I wish I'd said this.”
“I should have done that.”
These are very human reactions but they can also pull us backwards. There is nothing wrong with looking back at something if you're learning from it. In fact, reflection can be incredibly valuable.
But there is a difference between asking: “What can I learn from this?” and repeatedly asking: “What could I have done differently?”
The first can help us move forward. The second can keep us stuck in a moment that has already happened.
You can't change what happened by having a better version of the conversation in your head afterwards.
You can, however, decide what you are going to do next.
What is actually within your control?
One of the most useful questions I ask myself is: “What is within my control?”
There is an enormous amount of energy that can be wasted trying to control things that simply aren't ours to control.
You can't control what somebody else thinks.
You can't control what somebody else says.
You can't control how somebody else behaves.
You can't control whether somebody understands your perspective.
You can't change something that has already happened.
But you can consider your own response.
You can decide what your boundaries are.
You can decide what you will accept.
You can decide what action you will take.
Sometimes you can decide to take no further action at all.
Recognising what is outside of your control doesn't mean that you don't care. It means you're choosing where your energy goes.
Once you've made the decision, trust yourself
This is probably the biggest part of the whole approach for me.
Once I've properly processed something and decided what I'm going to do, I remind myself: I've processed this.
Now I need to trust myself.
Trust the decision and trust the strategy.
Trust that I have thought it through.
Then take the next action when the time is right.
I've also found another useful reminder: Until I take the next action, nothing has changed.
If I've decided I'm going to have a conversation tomorrow, repeatedly thinking about that conversation tonight isn't going to make tomorrow arrive any quicker.
If I've decided I'm going to address something, replaying the situation ten more times isn't going to address it.
If I've decided that something is outside of my control, repeatedly trying to find a way to control it isn't going to change that reality.
Sometimes the best thing I can do is remind myself: “I've done what I can for now.”
And leave it there...
A simple process for when you find yourself overthinking
If you find yourself stuck in a loop, try slowing the process down rather than trying to force yourself to stop thinking.
Ask yourself:
1. What am I actually feeling?
Don't skip the emotion. Are you angry? Hurt? Worried? Embarrassed? Frustrated? Disappointed?
2. What actually happened?
Separate what you know from what you're assuming.
3. What is keeping this alive?
Is there something you haven't understood? Something you haven't accepted? Something you're uncertain about? Something you haven't decided what to do with?
4. What is within my control or influence?
And equally, what isn't?
5. What do I want to do?
Identify the options and choose the response that fits your values, responsibilities and boundaries.
6. Am I ready to act?
If you're not, that's okay. You might simply need more time.
7. If I've already decided, why am I still replaying it?
This is the question that can interrupt the loop. If nothing new has happened, perhaps you've already done enough thinking. Process it. Decide. Trust yourself. Move forward.
You don't need to solve everything immediately
Being solutions-focused doesn't mean having an immediate answer to everything.
Sometimes the solution is to wait.
Or to have a conversation.
Or set a boundary.
Or ask for help.
Or accept that something is outside of your control.
Sometimes you simply aren't ready yet.
What matters is that you don't confuse processing with endlessly revisiting.
You can give yourself permission to think about something properly without giving it unlimited access to your thoughts. That's the change I've noticed for myself.
I'm not trying to stop myself from thinking. I'm trying to become more intentional about when I think, why I'm thinking and when I've thought enough.
When I've reached that point, I remind myself: Don't overthink it. Don't overdo it.
I've processed it. I've made my decision. Now I need to trust myself.
Sometimes what we need isn't another hour thinking about the problem. Sometimes what we need is the peace and clarity that comes from knowing we've done enough and trusting ourselves to take the next step.
Could this help you?
If you regularly find yourself overthinking situations, replaying conversations, worrying about what other people think or doubting decisions you've already made, it may be worth asking yourself: “Have I actually got something left to solve, or am I simply replaying something I've already processed?”
That one question might be enough to help you step out of the loop and if you discover that something genuinely is still unresolved, that's useful too. Now you know what you need to work on.
The aim isn't to stop caring. It's to stop giving the same unresolved thought more attention than it deserves.
More peace. More clarity. More trust in yourself.
Want support to stop overthinking?
Get in touch to arrange one-to-one coaching sessions, where we can work on this together. You may also find the Breaking Destructive Cycles coaching programme helpful too.
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