Knowing When To Step Back From Young People
- Jul 19
- 5 min read
What does success really look like when supporting young people? Explore why stepping back can be one of the greatest achievements.
One Of The Hardest Parts Of Supporting Young People - Knowing When To Step Back
We spend a lot of time talking about how to build relationships with young people.
We talk about trust, consistency, boundaries, resilience and becoming the trusted adult. We discuss how to support them through difficult moments, help them regulate their emotions and give them the tools they need to navigate life's challenges.
But there's one part of the journey that we rarely talk about: What happens when they no longer need us in the same way?
After more than 17 years of supporting young people, I've come to believe that this is one of the most rewarding — yet, sometimes one of the most emotional — parts of the entire process.
The Goal Was Never To Be Needed Forever
Whether I'm working as a Resilience & Mindset Life Coach or supporting young people within a school setting, my aim has never been to create dependency.
The goal is to help a young person develop the confidence, resilience and self-belief to navigate challenges independently.
If I'm doing my job well, there should come a point where they rely on me less because they're learning to rely on themselves more.
That's success.
Not because the relationship mattered any less, but because it achieved exactly what it was supposed to.
You Don't Always Notice The Moment It Happens
People sometimes imagine there's a conversation where you decide support has come to an end.
In reality, it often isn't like that. Sometimes it happens so naturally that you hardly notice.
Weekly sessions become fortnightly. Fortnightly sessions become monthly check-ins. Eventually, those check-ins become, "I'm here if you need me."
It's not because the relationship has weakened. It's because the young person has grown.
You begin to notice that they're regulating their emotions without prompting. The crises become less frequent. They're using strategies you've explored together without needing reminders. They're solving problems before they become overwhelming.
You realise they aren't simply repeating what you've taught them. They're thinking for themselves.
Success Looks Different Than People Think
People often measure success by what they can see.
For example...
Improved attendance.
Better behaviour.
Higher confidence.
Reduced anxiety.
Those things absolutely matter. But for me, the biggest indicator of progress is something far less obvious.
It's the moment a young person starts believing in their own ability to cope.
When they stop asking, "What should I do?" and instead begin asking themselves, "What's my next step?"
That's when you know the work is becoming part of who they are rather than something they only access when you're in the room.
Not Every Ending Is The Same
One thing I've learnt is that there isn't just one way support ends. Sometimes it's gradual, whilst other times it's planned.
And sometimes it's completely outside everyone's control.
In schools, this can be particularly difficult.
A young person's placement may come to an end, regardless of how much progress has been made or how valuable the relationship continues to be.
Whilst everyone may know that day is coming, that doesn't necessarily make it any easier.
For some young people — particularly those who have experienced trauma, attachment difficulties or inconsistent relationships with adults — that trusted relationship may have become one of the few places where they genuinely felt understood, safe and accepted.
That ending can be very emotional for them.
...And if I'm honest, it can be emotional for us too.
The Privilege Of Being A Trusted Adult
There have been young people I've found particularly difficult to say goodbye to.
Not because I doubted them. Quite the opposite. It's become invested in their journey.
I'd seen where they started. I'd witnessed the setbacks, breakthroughs and moments they never thought they'd achieve.
I'd spent months, sometimes years, believing in them on the days they struggled to believe in themselves.
Then suddenly, they were ready to continue without me.
How could you not feel proud?
But alongside that pride comes curiosity. You want to know how they're getting on. You hope they're still using the strategies they've developed.
You hope life is treating them kindly.
Most of all, you hope they continue believing in themselves.
Building meaningful professional relationships inevitably means that endings can feel significant.
I don't see that as a weakness. I see it as evidence that the relationship mattered.
Helping Young People Become Their Own Source Of Strength
People sometimes ask me what success looks like.
For me, it's surprisingly simple. It's not about a young person needing me forever. It's about them reaching a point where they don't.
Not because they no longer value the relationship, but because they now have the confidence to face challenges with their own resilience, their own judgement and their own belief in themselves.
It's a bit like watering a plant. You nurture it. You protect it. You help it grow. Then one day you realise it no longer needs you to keep growing. It carries on by itself.
That's exactly what you hoped would happen.
Even if it's still surprisingly emotional.
What They Take With Them
If every young person I've ever worked with remembered just one thing, I hope it wouldn't be a worksheet, a strategy or even a particular conversation.
I'd hope they remembered this:
Whatever life places in front of you, you can face it. You are capable of finding a way forward. Believe in yourself, stay solutions focused and keep moving towards the person you want to become.
And if, somewhere along that journey, they also remembered there was someone who believed in them before they fully believed in themselves...
Then I'd know the relationship achieved exactly what it was meant to.
Did You Know...?
I regularly deliver training for mentors, safeguarding teams, outreach teams, heads of year groups and other education professionals, exploring how trusted relationships, resilience and a solutions-focused approach can create lasting positive outcomes for young people.
If you're looking to strengthen your knowledge and confidence, and upskill yourself to become a high-impact mentor, you can find out more about my Strategic Mentoring Training and book your spot on the next session.
I also provide one-to-one coaching for young people who need personalised support to build confidence, resilience, emotional regulation and a positive mindset. If you're a parent, carer or professional looking for tailored support, you can learn more about my Life Coaching for Teenagers service.
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